So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
