tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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