so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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