I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
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I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
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He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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