When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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