thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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