My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
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His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
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I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
that may or may not have been my penis.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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