Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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