I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
