It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
