When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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