Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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