Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
