Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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