omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
