I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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