You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
