singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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