I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
