My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
