i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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