Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
