We won't sleep together?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
