I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
