So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
