Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
