Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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