That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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