i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
