He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just invented taco cereal.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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