Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
