It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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