I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
