you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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