You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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