i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
