I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
