Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
