ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
