I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
