if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
