this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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