I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
