all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
