my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
