i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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