Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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