thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
