I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
