my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
