soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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