dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
