i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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