I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Randomize
