I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
